Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Corny Romance
by The Potterettes
Summary: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a force darker than evil threatened Star Wars fans worldwide. It was the corny romance, and could be fatal. The answer? A hunky Obi-Wan, a seriously cynical Padme, and an Anakin who can't spell his name.
1. Prologue: A Long Time Ago...

__

STAR WARS

****

EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CORNY ROMANCE

by Twix and She's a Star

****

Disclaimer: Star Wars isn't ours. You will soon find out that it's a _good_ thing Star Wars isn't ours, or else things would be much more...interesting. Moulin Rouge isn't ours either, as is the Jedi Knights song, which belongs to Saturday Night Live. Da Big Darth Vada Theme Song IS ours. Steal and die. *growls*

****

Author's Note: We were bored. We both thought the romance in Attack of the Clones was horrendously corny. So, we did something about it. *grins eeevilly*

****

Prologue

Silence filled the dark air; nothing but blackness for as far as the naked eye could see. Then, suddenly, words begin to dance and weave amongst the darkness.

"A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away..."

Sweeping, dramatic music suddenly pulsated through the air, and with it, two words spelled in yellow letters against a starry background.

"STAR WARS."

The music continues as yellow words begin to scroll upwards and into the endless recesses of space.

"EPISODE II: THE ATTACK OF THE CORNY ROMANCE

Some big bad space battle is going on. Sure, there are clones. Sure, there are killer droids. Sure, there's an evil emperor in the making. But next to what us moviegoers had to face, that's NOTHING. For two lovers have discovered each other, and their whispered sweet nothings have caused the majority of the anticipating audiences to gag.

Can we stop this horrifically corny romance?

...Ack. Didn't think so."


	2. Things Get Crazy!

****

Part One: Things Get Crazy...

After the aforementioned life-changing proclamation (see last chapter for further information), the view plummeted down through the stars until it came upon a swirly-colored planet and zooms in upon the two star-crossed lovers. 

Er...no pun intended.

Padme Amidala rested her head upon Anakin Skywalker's shoulder, sighing as she looked out upon the water. The sunset seemed the paint the still waters different shades of red, orange and pink. Padme loved Naboo at this time of day, where the sun was just about to set and the calmness of the sea seemed to run through everyone, making all their worries disappear.

"Have you ever seen anything this beautiful?" Padme asked. 

Anakin nodded. "Yes."

Padme turned around and faced Anakin, his jaw set and his eyes fixed in front of him. "Where?"

"It's standing right in front of me," Anakin replied, looking down at Padme.

"IT?" Padme shrieked. "Are you saying I'm an IT?"

"You're a pretty 'it'," he informed her huskily.

"And THAT'S meant to improve the situation?" Padme asked skeptically, placing a hand on her hip.

Instead of responding, he put his hands to his heart and began spewing out wretchedly unromantic clichés...er, extremely poetic words of love.

"Your eyes are like..." Anakin struggled to find the right words that described Padme. "Circles!"

Padme gasped at his poetic skill and natural charm. "Oh, Anakin!" she sighed, falling into his arms, "Take me; I'm yours!"

"And your nose!" he kept on saying. "Is...pointy!"

"Oh, Anakin, stop," she pleaded, feeling her head spin from the sheer overwhelmingness of his dazzling proclamations of her beauty. "Just...kiss me!" 

"Wait!" Anakin snapped in irritation. "Did I SAY I was done yet?"

A very strange thing happened right here. And we mean, _very strange._ O Great George's characters do not suddenly decide to rebel and be out of character. But that is precisely what Padme Amidala did.

And that ensured disaster.

"Jeez, sorry, Darth," she muttered.

"WHAT?!"

"Er...nothing. Continue on."

Anakin struggled to think of more descriptive words that would do his Padme justice. "And just look at your beautiful fingers! So, long! And so well...neat and...long!"

"You know, Padme," he proclaimed in an intimate whisper. "I've loved you ever since I first saw you. Ever since we parted last ten years ago, never did a day pass by that I didn't think of you."

"Are you sure?" she asked, wrinkling up her nose. "Because you know, at that age, most little boys are going through the 'girls are icky' stage."

"So?" Anakin said defensively, pouting. "Are you saying you didn't love ME?"

"Um...er...yeah," Padme said slowly. "You see, you were only, what, nine? I was fourteen. That's kind of...perverted."

"But you see," Anakin said hurriedly. "Like most of the Jedi Masters say, I'm..." _What was that word that Mace Windu used? It sure was long_... "Special!" He started to nod fervently.

"Yeah, special ed," Padme muttered darkly.

"What?" Anakin asked, studying her stupidly as though she'd just spewed out a four-syllable word.

"Nothing," she said with a bright (to him, anyway...to anyone else, it would have been horribly forced) smile.

Using the all-powerful Jedi force, Anakin sensed that the conversation wasn't going so well and decided to change topics.

But WHAT could he talk about?!

And then it came to him!

"Sand!"

"What?"

"I...don't like the sand," he said, voice low as he leaned on the balcony and stared out broodingly into the sunset. "It's so coarse and rough and irritating, and gets around everywhere."

After a moment's pause, he added thoughtfully, "Not like you. It's damn near impossible to get in your pants."

"WHAT?!" Padme screeched in horror. "THIS MOVIE IS RATED PG, YOU KNOW!"

"Er...sorry, sorry," Anakin apologized quickly, wondering why the O Mighty One (AKA George Lucas) couldn't just make it PG-13, for the love of Yoda. "I mean...you're soft, and...smooth."

Padme raised her eyebrow. "Soft and..._smooth_?" _I shudder to think where this conversation is going to go_.

Anakin nodded. "Yes, soft and smooth!"

"I take it that's a good thing," Padme said slowly. _God, I love fooling with his mind._

Anakin looked a bit stumped, but recovered in seconds. "Yes, of course it is! Er, why shouldn't it be? Soft and smooth...isn't that what every girl wants to be?"

"But I'm not every girl," Padme pointed out.

Uh-oh. _Now_ she had him stumped.

"And that's a good thing, too!" Anakin burst out. "Because you're special!"

"Just like you," Padme replied. 

"Yes, we're both very special!" Anakin said. 

"And," he threw in, "You're soft and smooth...I think."

"What do you mean, I think?" Padme asked, looking mortally offended. "Are you trying to tell me I'm coarse and scaly?"

Anakin shook his head vigorously. "No, no. But do you WANT to be soft and smooth?"

"Well, I don't know," Padme said, fixing her expression into that of one in utmost concentration. "Do YOU want to be?"

Now, Anakin didn't know how to answer this. Only moments before, he'd told her that they were both special! That way, if ONE of them was soft and smooth, then the other would have to be, RIGHT? But he was a MAN! A rugged, desirable hunk o' hunk! He was SUPPOSED to be coarse and scaly!

Well...maybe not scaly.

Anakin stood there, pondering how to answer Padme's extremely complex question. 

"Anakin?" Padme waved her hand in front of his face. "Aaaaaannie!"

But alas, Padme's hand-waving just couldn't disturb Anakin from his pondering. She started to get worried when he eyes began to glaze over. 

SLAP!

Instantly, Anakin was in Jedi Knight fighting stance, lightsaber out. "Who's attacking you, Padme?"

Padme stood there in disbelief, her hand on her hip. "No one was attacking me! I slapped you because you were just standing there! Like some idiot! It wasn't that hard of a question! Well, at least I didn't think so," Padme muttered. 

Anakin shut off his light saber and straightened up. "What was the question?" 

Padme massaged her temples. "I can't believe I'm having this conversation," she murmured in disgust.

"Do you want...to be soft...and SMOOTH?" she asked slowly.

"I dunno," he replied dumbly. "Do YOU want me to be soft and smooth?"

"AAAURGH!" Padme shouted in aggravation. "Can't you just forget it and kiss me already? This is _supposed_ to be romantic, you know."

_It's payback time._

"Uh, sure," Anakin said, caressing her face with lightly callused fingers and slowly tilting her chin up towards his lips. They were practically touching when Padme jerked away at once and declared, "No. We can't."

"We can't??" Anakin asked, looking extremely crestfallen.

"No, we can't," Padme confirmed in mock regret. "I'm a senator; you're a Jedi apprentice. It's just too hard. We'd have to be living a lie."

"All right," Anakin sighed forlornly. "You're right."

Padme paused for a second, then proclaimed, "On second thought, oh, hell, just kiss me!"

"Okay!" Anakin agreed, a dumb smile stretching out across his face as he leaned towards her again. 

Lips mere millimeters apart, Padme shrieked, "No! No! It's just wrong!"

"Why??" asked Anakin miserably.

"BECAUSE," Padme said impatiently, "I'm a senator and you're a Jedi apprentice. Have I not established this already?!" 

Now, the use of this huge three-syllable word just blew Anakin away. His very (small) brain ached as it struggled to comprehend it, and the Dark Force seemed to flow through his very veins.

"Padme," he croaked, shuddering in pain. "The Dark Force...it's taking over me..."

"Just watch," she predicted wisely. "Next you'll develop a sudden and severe case of asthma."

"What??"

"Never mind," she said impatiently. "Just kiss me already!"

As Padme finally pressed her lips into his, Anakin couldn't help but think of just one thing. _Establish...establish..._

He couldn't believe Padme had spoken a word with such power. Feeling the Dark Force flow through him as he repeated that word over and over in his head, he began to be frightened. And then...he realized something. He kinda like that feeling! He could learn to like that word! 

Estab...Estab...Estab what? Oh well! He just knew that word could sure come in handy some day!

After a few seconds, however, Padme pulled out of the passionate embrace. 

"What??" he asked angrily, suddenly overcome with the strange and unexplainable urge to squeeze his fingers into a fist and make some people choke to their death. 

"You know," she said dreamily, a smile dancing across fair features, "My first kiss was when I was twelve years old. His name was Palo. He was a few years older than me... very cute. Dark hair, deep beautiful eyes..."

"Okay, I don't want to know," Anakin said quickly, fighting his suddenly rogue fingers not to curl into a fist. 

"His lips against mine was the most amazing sensation I've ever felt," she continued happily, fingering her own mouth. "I-"

"Must you cause my soul such tor...tormen...pain??" Anakin asked, misery drenching his tone.

"It was the first time I thought I'd ever experienced true love," she finished, sighing. 

By now, Anakin was squeezing his hands into a fist, but this did not result in the choking and dying of this...Palo. Instead, he just managed to cut into the palm of his hand with his fingernails. 

"Dammit!" he muttered under his breath.

The jealousy too much to handle, he asked in a husky, manly-man voice, "What about...me?"

Padme studied him briefly. "Ah, you're okay. A five. Maybe a six."

"Out of four, right?" Anakin asked, puffing out his chest proudly.

She shook her head. "Actually, I was going by ten."

Anakin thought for a moment. "_Ten_...That would mean I'm down by...two?" He looked at Padme hopefully.

Padme snorted. "Four. At the least."

Anakin gasped. "FOUR? Er, what was Palo?"

Padme thought for a moment. "From what I remember...he was an eight."

"And that means he's down by," Anakin quickly started to count on his fingers. "Six?"

"No," Padme said, deep in thought. "Two."

"TWO?" Anakin howled. His hand automatically formed into a fist, still only to make the palms of his hand very painful. He thought for a moment. _Why isn't my charming charms and my brilliant brilliance working on Padme?_ he thought. _Maybe I need to use bigger words, like with two syllables. Or even...THREE! _He took a big breath. This was going to be hard.

"Well," Anakin said, crossing his arms in front of his chest defiantly, "I'm a Jedi! Mathemaniacal skills mean NOTHING to us! We just have cool glowy lightsabers and get to chop people up and move things with The Force!"

"Mathemaniacal?!" Padme muttered incredulously under her breath, wondering just why she'd been written to fall in love with Anakin instead of Obi-Wan, who was pretty hot for an over-twenty guy. Plus, he actually possessed over 2 brain cells to rub together. 

But nooo, that wasn't how O Great George had wanted it.

"Okay, then," Padme agreed tiredly.

"Where is this...Palo?" Anakin demanded, a murderous glint in his eyes. He grabbed his lightsaber in one swift movement and immediately a beam of shining green spat out before them. "I will find him and make him pay!"

"Puh-leeze!" Padme said, rolling her eyes. "He's married with children by now."

Anakin's eyes widen in amazement. "HA! SO ADMIT IT!"

"Admit what?" 

"That you WEREN'T meant for Palo!" he shouted, shutting off his light saber. 

"I never said that!" Padme shouted. 

Anakin chuckled. "Weeell, it sure sounded like it! Ohhh, Palo!" He said in a high falsetto voice, mimicking Padme. "He was my first kiss and I give him an EIGHT!"

"EXACTLY!" shrieked Padme. "He was my first kiss! That was years ago! Do you really think I still have feelings for him?"

Anakin stopped strutting and turned to face Padme. "I never said that." He gasped. "SO YOU DO HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM! Padme! You said he was married with children! How SCANALI - scandal - BAD!"

"I haven't even SEEN him in years!" Padme shrieked, resisting the urge to slap him for a few moments before realizing, heck, he was going to warp into Mr. I'm-So-Evil in a few years and slap a lotta people! Surely he deserved something in advance. 

SLAP!

"STOP DOING THAT!" Anakin whined miserably. "You're so mean to me! You probably don't even love me! You're just going to leave me for Palo!"

"You know what??" Padme asked with a malicious grin. "Palo is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING next to Obi-Wan! I mean, that is one hot hunk of man!"

Anakin gasped in horror. "OBI-WAN!? As in, my master??"

"No," Padme said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "The OTHER Obi-Wan."

An expression of genuine confusion painted itself over Anakin's features. "There's another Obi-Wan?"

"AURGH!" Padme cried in fury, pounding her fists into his chest and repeatedly shrieking, "DIE, DIE, DIE, YOU STUPID EXCUSE FOR A MAN!"

Anakin just stared curiously down at her, very baffled by this sudden wave of hatred.

"Padme, I thought we were in love!"

"I would rather love Jar-Jar than you!" she screeched. "I'd rather kiss a Wookiee!"

An explosion of light engulfed them, and Anakin and Padme cried out in fright. Well, actually, let's rephrase that: Padme let out a little cry of shock and Anakin dove to the ground, trembling in trepidation and whining for his mommy.

A very fed-up looking bearded man made his way over to them. "That's it!" he exploded.

"Great, Padme," Anakin muttered sarcastically. "Now you made GEORGE come."

"Well, maybe if you weren't so _stupid_-"

"Cut it out, cut it out," George ordered. "You two are supposed to be in love, remember??"

"Why do I have to love _him_?" Padme asked, disgusted. "Why can't I love _Obi-Wan_? I mean, he's pretty nice to look at, and he actually provides a bit of comic relief."

"Because then it won't work!" declared George. "You have to marry Anakin, or else the old movies won't tie in and Leia and Luke will cease to exist!"

"Fine," Padme pouted, crossing her arms in front of her chest indignantly. "I'll love the stupid idiot."

"Good," George said with a nod. "And also...the kiss a Wookiee line? You can't say that."

"Why _not_?" Padme asked. "I thought it was kinda funny."

"It's already reserved by your daughter," he informed her. "She and her future husband have lots of fun, witty banter."

"Sure, just give _us_ all the corny romance," Padme said bitterly.

George shook his head at her for a moment before the light exploded once more and he disappeared.

Sighing reluctantly, she slung her arms around Anakin's shoulders and whispered obediently, "Anakin, I love you. I truly, deeply love you. I need you in my life; otherwise, there will be a hole in my heart that no one else can feel."

_Except Obi-Wan._

"Padme, I love you too," he returned tenderly. "I'll always love you."

_Oh, gag me,_ she thought bitterly as their lips met in the grand finale of a kiss.

It was a hell of a lot to have to put up with, being a stunningly beautiful and successful senator who was madly in love with a handsome young Jedi.

__

To be continued...


	3. Things Get Crazier...

****

Part Two: Things Get Crazier...

"When I'm not around you," Anakin informed Padme as they pulled apart, "My soul is in eter...uh...eterm...etern..."

Padme opened her mouth to suggest something, but Anakin shushed her quickly.

"I know what I'm doing!" he snapped irritably. "What do you think I am, some sort of idiot??"

A fit of rogue coughing escaped Padme's mouth at this proclamation, but Anakin paid her no mind-couldn't she see he was trying to think??

With a brave smile, he once again attempted at it. "When I'm not around you, my soul is in...er...skip that word. Torm...term...torma-"

"Your soul is in eternal torment?" Padme supplied dryly.

"No! That's not what I meant at all!" Anakin responded defiantly. "What I meant was, when I'm not with you, my soul hurts all the time!"

"Oh, hoooow _romantic_!" Padme sighed sarcastically. She smiled, hoping that Anakin would catch this bit of sarcasm. 

No such luck: he obviously didn't, for he kept talking. 

"At night, when I'm laying there, all I can think of is you..."

Padme gave him a mental round of applause for completing a coherent sentence.

"And then..." Anakin bit his lip. He was starting to run out of swoon-worthy words! "Then I think of you! And think, are you thinking of me, thinking of you thinking of me?"

"Well, actually," Padme said slowly, "I'm usually, you know, thinking about the fact that I could be executed at any given moment."

"Fine," Anakin sulked. "Be that way. So what if you'd rather think of your own life than think of me thinking of you thinking of me!"

"Sometimes I think of you," Padme said truthfully.

And resist the urge to go find that assassin and let them do their business, she added silently.

Anakin's eyes widened. "You do? You think of me?"

Padme nodded earnestly. "Yes, of course I do! Why wouldn't I? We're, er, meant to be!"

"Oh, Padme! Do you really mean it?" Anakin started babbling like an 11 year old at an *NSync concert. (Okay, so there is no *NSync in SW, oh, waaait, MAYBE there was! Hmm..)

"YES!" Padme shrieked. "But I'm ONLY saying this because George told me to!" 

"George?" Anakin asked blankly. "Who's George?"

"He was just HERE, you idiot!" Padme cried. "You know, the guy who's responsible for our very existences? At the moment I really want to do him severe bodily harm!!"

"Leave the bodily harm up to me," Anakin said, puffing out his chest proudly. "I'm going to be a Jedi Knight. You're just a politician."

"AT LEAST I CAN SPELL MY OWN NAME!" she screeched.

Anakin opened his mouth to say something, but the look on Padme's face, well, frightened him, so he closed it again. 

"Weeeeell," Padme said, giving him the Look. "Are you going to say something?"

"Oh, uh, yeah," he replied stupidly. "Well, I can spell my own name!"

_Ooh, what a comeback, _Padme thought. 

"Oh, really?" she raised her eyebrow. "Spell it!"

"All right," Anakin said, rolling up his sleeves. "A-N-I-K-K-I-N! HA!" He stuck his tongue out at Padme. 

Padme's jaw dropped. "Wow, you really proved me wrong, Annie! You CAN spell your name."

Okay, okay, so she DIDN'T say that.

Instead, she burst out laughing. "A-N-I-K-K-I-N? You think that's how you spell your name? Whoo, I'd like to see you spell your LAST name!"

Anakin decided to take on the challenge. "Okay! S-K-I-E-W-A-K-K-R-E!"

Padme stopped laughing and looked at Anakin with her eyes wide. "Are you serious?" 

Anakin looked at her, confused. "Yeeees."

"You really think that's how you spell your name?" she asked.

"Um, yes," he said truthfully. He stuck out his chest. "Are you telling me that I spelt it WRONG?"

Padme walked up to Anakin and whispered in his ear. "Do you want me to slap you again?"

Anakin jumped back. "NO!"

"THEN LEARN HOW TO SPELL YOUR NAME!" Padme shrieked.

"Do you think the ability to spell my name will really benefit me as a Jedi??" Anakin asked haughtily. "I bet Obi-Wan doesn't know how to spell his name! It's not a big deal!"

Oh-so-luckily, Obi Wan burst in at that very moment, apparently looking for the two.

Thank YODA, thought Padme gratefully.

"Obi-Wan," she said sweetly, "Could you please spell your name for us?"

Obi-Wan looked a bit confused. "Er...sure. Capital O-B-I-hyphen-capital-W-A-N-space-capital-K-E-N-O-B-I."

Padme smiled, pleased. "Correct."

Anakin pulled a face at his master. "Show-off," he mouthed behind Padme's back.

"You're just jealous 'cause your girlfriend likes me better!" Obi-Wan returned as soon as Padme's gaze wavered from him.

"Yeah right!" Anakin cried. "I'm way better than you! What can _you_ do that's so impressive? You have a BEARD!"

"I can SING!" Obi-Wan returned with flourish.

"WHAT can you sing?" Anakin asked skeptically, crossing his arms. "Your B C A's??"

"Just watch and learn, my Padawan," Obi-Wan returned smoothly. With a suave snap of his fingers, Mace Windu, Yoda, and Jar-Jar appeared behind him.

"I could do that if I wanted to," Anakin said bitterly, wrinkling up his nose.

Obi-Wan ignored him, and instead struck a pose that Mace, Yoda, and Jar-Jar immediately copied.

"OOOBBBIIII-WWWAAANNN!" cried Mace. 

An audible sigh escaped Padme's lips.

"Straight guys don't dance, Padme," Anakin informed her desperately as she stared in awe at Obi-Wan.

"Oh, girl," Obi-Wan sang, pointing at Padme and causing her to swoon a bit, "You know I love you."

"All Jedi report to space station Alpha Quadrant by order of the Force!" some strange and mysterious voice called, echoing through their ears.

"Who was that?" Anakin asked irritably.

"Who _cares_?!" Padme breathed. "Shut up, Obi-Wan is singing!"

"La dee da," deadpanned Anakin, actually mastering the gift of sarcasm for the first (and last) time in his life.

"Oh, girl, it ain't over yet!" proclaimed Obi-Wan, performing a series of complex dance moves in unison with Yoda, Mace Windu, and Jar-Jar.

"You thought you'd done my heart like you was Boba Fett!"

"Boba Fett's a ten year old kid!" protested Anakin desperately. 

"Shut _up_!" Padme hissed, eyes not moving from Obi-Wan. "He's so amazing with words!"

"Without you I feel so alone!" Obi-Wan continued.

"Aww!" a little sympathetic wail escaped Padme's lips.

"Like I was attacked!" Obi-Wan sang out in his knee-weakening tenor. "Attacked by cloooones!"

Anakin had once again returned to the 'squeeze-fist-and-suffocate-people' method, but it was still rather unsuccessful. 

"I'm a Jedi Knight in these Jedi days!" Yoda, Mace, and Jar-Jar joined Obi-Wan in singing the chorus. "I can't forget these Jedi ways!"

"Yeahsa yeahsa yeahsa yeahsa!" Jar-Jar chanted. 

"These robes are fresh," Mace proclaimed, lifting up the sleeve of his tan Jedi robe in evidence.

"Think you're dope, I do!" Yoda continued, green ears wriggling.

"Ahh," Obi-Wan sang out, nearing Padme.

This was too much for our favorite queen-turned-senator. Overcome by his gift for song, she collapsed into his arms.

"Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi," she finished desperately. "'Cause you're my only hope!"

And as quickly as they had come, Mace Windu, Yoda, and to everyone's pleasure, Jar-Jar had disappeared. 

"That was... amazing!" Padme breathed, still in Obi-Wan's arms. 

"That -" Anakin laughed. "That was nothing!"

Anakin struggled to suavely snap his fingers, but eventually gave up. 

"Prepare to be amazed!" he said to Padme, his eyebrows raised.

"Yo, yo, yo! It's big Darth Vada comin' atcha!" boomed a voice above their heads.

Padme watched in horror as the lights dimmed and Emperial Storm Troopers began to appear behind Anakin. A large, silver medallion in the shape of a closed fist was around his neck. "Some people think I'm a big evil daddy!" Anakin began to rap. "But they'll never know the wonderful man I am inside!"

Padme and Obi-Wan doubled over, violently coughing.

"Sure when I grow up, I'll kill lotsa peoples," Anakin continued, dancing (AKA bobbing in place) in the circle of the Storm Troopers. "But that's in the future! I wanna talk about here and now!"

"Yo, yo, yo!" A miscellaneous Storm Trooper shouted in Obi-Wan's face. "The Big Darth Vada comin' atcha!"

"The Big Darth Vada comin' atcha! Ya got it?" Anakin waved his arms in Padme's face, his medallion smacking his head. 

"He's gonna squeeze his fist," The Storm Troopers bellowed. "And nod his head!"

Anakin began head-banging, his ponytail and braid flying. 

"Nod his head," The troopers echoed quietly. 

"Some may think that I'm a hunk!" Anakin said. "But you just wait until I take a chunk... outta you!"

"Outta yoooooou!" they echoed.

"The Big Darth Vada comin' atcha! Yo, yo, yo!" Anakin and the Storm Troopers said in unison. "The Big Darth Vada comin' atcha! Yo, yo, yo! The Big Darth Vada comin' atcha!"

They stopped dancing and all took a deep breath at once, preparing to enlighten Obi-Wan and Padme in another round of the chorus.

"STOP!" Obi-Wan and Padme shouted, waving their hands in the air. "Just STOP!"

"Too hot to handle, right babe?" Anakin asked suavely, still bobbing his head to a nonexistent beat. Of course, in his rather slow mind, the fact that the music had stopped had not yet registered. 

This was too much for an already frighteningly-angry Padme. Face flushing a frightening shade of red, she proclaimed in a deadly whisper, "Never. Call. Me. Babe."

Fury was pulsating through her veins...she'd gone off the edge, ladies and gents. Yup. Annie had crossed the line. Gone too far. Pressed the limits. Flirted with disaster for just a millisecond too long. St-

...well, you get the point.

With a shriek of anger, Padme pulled the elaborate headdress that had decorated her dark tresses from her head and began smashing it over Anakin's own (thick) skull.

"YOU STUPID-" she shouted, "IDIOTIC...MORANIC...BRAINDEAD-"

A strange idea had suddenly popped into Anakin's mind. Could it be? Was it possible that Padme was the slightest bit irritated with him?

"YOU STUPID, BRAINLESS GIT!" Padme continued, bashing her headdress against Anakin's nose, most likely breaking it. 

"Padme!" Anakin shouted, coming to the brilliant conclusion of moving out of her reach. "Why all this? What have I ever done to you?"

Padme stood there, dumbfounded. "EXCUSE ME? What have YOU ever done to ME?"

"Yeah!" Anakin said defensively. "What have you ever done to me??"

He paused for a moment and fingered his heavily bleeding nose, then hastily corrected himself. "Er...I mean, what have I ever done to you?"

"Your stupidity!" screeched Padme. Obi-Wan chuckled lightly behind them before disappearing off to fight the forces of evil while still looking quite devilishly attractive (you know, for a guy over 30.)

"You're so painfully unintelligent!" Padme continued. "It makes my brain ACHE to be around you! Who can't spell their own name? WHO?!?!"

"I don't know!" Anakin shot back. "You should go find someone and ask them, because I can spell my name, thankyouverymuch!" 

Padme looked at Anakin and sighed dreamily. "You know, I bet Palo could spell his name..."

Anakin groaned. "Oh, no, not HIM again!"

"He had a really long, complicated last name too," Padme said, resting her chin in her hand. "I remember on Valentine's Day, he gave me a card that had his name on it in loopy cursive letters that made my knees weak..."

"Shh!" Anakin cocked his head sideways, listening at some unheard sound. 

"What is it?" Padme whispered, straining her ears to listen.

"Shh!" he hissed again. A moment later, he started bobbing his head, the supposed sound still unheard. "The Big Darth Vada comin' atcha!" 

"AHHH!" Padme screamed. "You're HOPELESS!"

"You got a problem wit da big Darth Vada, yo?" Anakin asked, crossing his arms in front of his chest and continuing to bop, bop, bop the head. "Wuzzup wit you?"

"Oh, good GOD, Anakin," Padme cried, distressed. 

"Who'z dis Anakin?" he asked, uncrossing his arms and waving them vigorously as he spoke. "Diz is Big D V!"

This was too much to take. No one deserved this much torture, this much pain! What was the point of living when you were stuck with someone as horrifically unintelligent as Anakin? 

Er...excuse me: Big DV.

"Just take me!" Padme shrieked upwards, collapsing to her knees. "I can't live like this! I can't take it anymore! I'd rather be dead! I'd rather marry Jar-Jar!" 

Suddenly, the whole sky seemed to open above them, and a booming voice proclaimed, "Your wish is my command!"

And ever-so-magically, everyone's favorite Gungan appeared in all his strange-voiced glory!

"Weesa get married, Senator?" he asked.

"NO!" Anakin cut in. "NO! You don't go stealin' my girl, you [censored censored]!"

"Anakin, cut the stupid rapper crap!" shrieked Padme. "Please!"

Now, Anakin was angry. REALLY angry. You didn't just go around stealing the future Mrs. Big DV.

In one last desperate attempt, he squeezed his hand into a fist with all his might. A horrific squeak escaped Jar Jar's throat, and he collapsed to the ground.

"Whoa!" Anakin said in awe. "Sweet! It worked!"

And with that, he burst into a fit of spastic dance moves, chanting, "The Big Darth Vada comin' atcha!" 

Finally, the stress got to Padme. She put her head in her hands and cried. 

But did Anakin give any attention to Padme? Oh, no siree! He just kept dancing away, his huge medallion still hitting him in the head. "The Big Darth Vada comin' atcha!" 

Suddenly, Padme's TRUE wish (or at least the wish of every rabid Moulin Rouge fan who had seen Star Wars) was granted; Obi-Wan Kenobi appeared and rushed over to where she had collapsed in a fit of desolate sobs.

"Padme, darling, what's wrong?" he asked, wrapping her in his arms.

"Obi-Wan, I'm sorry..." she whispered. "I'm - I'm... dying..." 

"AHHHHH!" 

Padme and Obi-Wan jumped as Anakin came running over to Obi-Wan. "DON'T. TOUCH. HER." he said through his teeth. He waved his hand in Obi-Wan's face and oh-so-slowly, closed it into a fist.

"Ack!" Obi-Wan choked, withering on the floor.

"OBI-WAN!" Padme shrieked. "Anakin! Stop it!" She hit him over the head with her headdress again. 

"Stop! Anakin, stop!" A very agitated, bearded man made his way over to the three. 

"GEORGE!" Padme cried. "Make him stop!"

"Let me have this," George said, motioning to her headdress. 

"Oh, gladly," she said, handing it to him.

WHACK!

"Owww! George!" Anakin whined, loosening his fist and clutching his throbbing head.

"Why'd you do that?" 

"You don't kill Obi-Wan until the fourth movie!" George shouted. 

"What did you say, George?" Obi-Wan asked, gasping for breath and massaging his throat. 

"Nothing!" George and Padme said instantly.

"He said -" Anakin started with a malicious grin on his face. 

WHACK! George hit the headdress against Anakin's head once more, and this time, succeeding in knocking him out.

"There you go," George said, capturing the essence of the humble hero to perfection. 

"Oh, thank you George!" Padme exclaimed, throwing her arms around George. He patted her back grimly. 

"You can't escape him forever, my dear," he informed her, tone grave. "There's no way around it...he's going to be the father of your children."

"Why?" wailed Padme, eyeing Obi-Wan. "There are much better candidates for that position!"

"That's just the way it goes," George responded. "But since he IS unconscious, you may as well take advantage of the opportunity."

Obi-Wan winked roguishly at Padme, and a stream of giggles escaped her lips.

"Hey, baby," he said, making his way over to her.

"Wait!" George said, holding up his hands. "In a PG manner, remember."

Obi-Wan groaned. "Damn those MPAA morons!"

George put his hands on Obi-Wan and Padme's shoulders. 

"Now, you two be good," he said with an amused smile. "I've got a meeting with another director from another galaxy far, far away."

__

To be continued, this time with a dash of Rouge...


	4. Things Get Rougeylicious!

****

Part Three: Things Get Rougey-licious

__

"I've got a meeting with another director from a galaxy far, far away..."

After uttering those fateful words, the air exploded into a burst of red smoke and loud, raunchy chants of "BECAUSE YOU CAN-CAN-CAN! YES YOU CAN-CAN-CAN!" And with them came a particularly stunning red-headed woman, a dark-haired handsome young man who looked eerily like Obi-Wan in his pre-beard days, and a silver-haired man. 

"Could he be a...clone??" Anakin asked, sitting up and rubbing at his head. (In Attack of the Clones? NAH! NEVER!)

"Christian!" cried Obi-Wan, leaving Padme's side at once and flinging his arms around his...clone.

"Obi-Wan!" 

Obi-Wan turned to Padme, his arm still around his "clone." "Padme! This is -" 

He stopped suddenly as he saw Padme wiggling her eyebrows in Christian's direction. 

"Excuse me!" exclaimed the stunning red-head, noticing Padme's _scandalous _actions. "What do you think you're doing?"

Padme stared at her, her mouth hanging up. 

"What?" she shrieked after a moment. "What do you think _I'm_ doing?! What do you think _you're_ doing! Making suggestive gestures to Obi-Wan like that?! You're messing with the wrong girl!" 

She put her hand on her hip and glared at the woman.

"Er," the 'clone', who will from now on be known as Christian, because...well, that is his name, "Satine? Padme? Really, it's not a big deal-"

"Don't interfere!" snapped the redhead, who will from now on be known as Satine, because...well, that is her name. "I'm THIS close to leaving you for the Duke!"

Christian fell silent at once, and he and Obi-Wan studied the glaring young women.

Anakin, in his dazzling stupidity, was now positive that the two were fighting over _him_.

"Ladiez, ladiez," he muttered, bobbing his head, "Dere'z enough of da Big DV to go around, yo."

He stood up and made his way over to the two women, his thumbs hooked in his belt. "Gurlz, gurlz," he muttered, bobbing his head. "Dere'z enough of da Big DV to go around, ladies!" 

"Anakin, stay. Out. Of. It." Padme hissed through her teeth. 

"Who are you?" The woman currently known as Satine asked. 

Anakin rolled his eyes. "Don'tcha listen, yo? I be..." He clapped his hands (For, as you know, he cannot snap his fingers correctly). Suddenly, several Storm Troopers rushed out and surrounded Anakin, Padme and Satine. "Da Big Darth Vada, yo!"

"Uuuuuuh-oooooooh," The Storm Troopers chanted. "Da big Darth Vada comin' atcha!"

"No! Anakin, STOP!" Obi-Wan pushed a couple Storm Troopers aside (With his oh-so-manly strength, of course!) and grabbed Anakin's shoulders. He waved his hand in front of Anakin's face. "You _will_ be smarter."

Anakin shot Obi-Wan his signature 'Oh, I am a _SEXY BEAST!'_ look that, strangely enough, causes many girls around the galaxies to swoon and said, ""Who u tink u b kiddin, yo!" 

Obi-Wan turned around to face everyone and gasped. "He's too stupid! Even my Jedi mind tricks don't work on him!"

A collective gasp sounded.

"The Jedi Mind Tricks have failed??" Padme asked incredulously from where she stood frozen, about to yank some of Satine's perfect locks out of her head. Satine in turn had her teeth positioned at the perfect angle to sink into Padme's arm.

"This is shocking!" cried Christian.

"Terrifying!" added Satine.

"Horrible!" agreed Obi-Wan.

"Absolutely _brilliant_!" cried Baz (also known as silver-haired man) and George in unison.

"Brilliant?!" Obi-Wan hissed. "My mind tricks have failed, and you think it's BRILLIANT?!"

"It's great!" Baz cried enthusiastically. "I can just picture it now-" he waved his arms wildly in the air, "-Moulin Rouge meets Star Wars!"

George nodded enthusiastically. "Storm troopers AND can-canning courtesans!"

"Frog smooshing dukes AND space ships!" added Baz.

Together they stared upward, dreamy expressions on their faces, and murmured two magical words in unison.

"Star Whores."

The Star Wars theme blasted through the air, mingling with energetic shouts of "BECAUSE WE CAN CAN-CAN!"

"Whoo!" cheered Satine and Padme, freeing each other from assorted grasps of death.

"Oh yeah!" Obi-Wan and Christian exchanged high-fives.

"And it'z gonna be starrin' Da Big DV, yo!" Anakin cried, waving his fists in the air.

Suddenly, the music stopped, Satine and Padme stared, Obi-Wan and Christian froze in mid-air.

"What?" they all whispered in unison.

Anakin snorted. "I said and it'z gonna be starrin' Da Big DV, yo!"

"But, uh," Baz stammered. "What does 'Da Big DV' have to do with Moulin Rouge?"

Anakin gave an exasperated sigh. "What does Obi-Wan have to do with Moo-lin Rouge? What does Padme have to do with Moo-lin Rouge?"

George turned to Baz. "He has a point..."

"NO!" Everyone shouted. 

"No! He doesn't have a point!" Obi-Wan insisted. 

"Anakin, you can't be in Star Whores because... because there are no evil people in it," Padme said.

"What about the Duke?" Christian pointed out.

"Shh!" Baz and Satine hissed. 

"Drop it!" Satine mouthed to Christian. 

"I'm gonna be evil?" Anakin exclaimed, a look of pure delight on his face. "WHOO-HOO!" He began to jump around, punching the air with his fist chanting, "Da Big Darth Vada comin' atcha!"

George hid his head in his hands. "You blew it, Padme... You blew it..."

"Um...did I say evil people?" Padme asked, laughing nervously. "I meant...too hot to handle people."

"Too hot to handle people?" Anakin repeating, starting to bob his head as he fingered his medallion. "You mean, like SEXY BEAST people?"

Padme nodded vigorously. "Yeah! Yeah! Like YOU, Annie! Isn't he HOT, Satine?"

"Yeah," scoffed Satine. "In a hairless dog kind of way."

"Duuuuh?" Anakin asked stupidly.

"I mean, yeah, yeah," Satine said, nodding along with Padme. "You're one hot little stud muffin there. I've seen _lots_ of guys, and you're definitely the...hottest-" she looked as though she was going to be sick, "-I've seen."

"Well, babe," Anakin said, now bobbing his head so violently that his braid made loud SWOOSHing noises, "Da Big DV's been known to have dat effect on da ladiez!"

He edged closer to her, swinging an arm around Satine's shoulders.

"Hey!" Christian cried indignantly. "That's _my_ lady you're affecting!"

"Yo," Anakin said, waving his hands wildly in Christian's face in true stupid-rapper fashion. "Me tinks dat she need a real man yo!"

"Oh yes," Satine purred, seductress smile perfectly in place. "I need a real man."

And with that, she pushed Anakin to the ground and slung her arms over his shoulders, sitting in his lap. He studied her, dazed.

"Whoa," he sighed, Da Big DV temporarily gone, "You're so pretty! Your eyes are like circles! Your-"

"Don't even start, buster," Padme warned.

"You're a _much_ better poet than Christian," she breathed, tracing his jawline with her finger. 

"Hey!" Christian wailed, looking extremely hurt. "What about 'come what may', Satine?!"

"You're so wonderful," Satine continued to Anakin. "You're too _good_ for Star Whores. You need your own picture...in another galaxy...far, far away..."

"But you'll miss me, right?" Anakin asked, beaming.

Satine nodded, eyes wide. "Ohhh, yes. Terribly."

"But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!" Anakin said, puffing out his chest and flexing his arms oh-so-subtly. "And I suppose I gotta go."

"I'll cry myself to sleep every night," Satine assured him earnestly.

"Sa-tine!" Christian whined.

"But how about a big smackeroo before I go?" Anakin asked.

Now, here Satine's perfect little seductress act wavered for a split second. Was she actually expected to _kiss_ that moron?? For all she knew, every teensy ounce of knowledge would be sucked from her mind when their lips met!

Just...ugh.

But she had to do it, for the sake of the show!

And the rest of humanity.

"Of...course," she said tentatively, forcing a weak smile.

"YAY!" Anakin shrieked, then immediately began to bounce around in circles. "She's gonna kiss me! She's gonna kiss me!"

He stopped in front of Padme and stuck his tongue out. "She's prettier than youuu! And _she_ wants to kiss me!"

"Shame," Padme drawled, wondering precisely when he'd decided to give up Da Big DV in favor of a helium-high ten year old.

"She's gonna kiss me! She's gonna kiss me! She's gonna-"

"NOOOOO!!!!!!"

Everyone froze and stared curiously at Christian.

"This is NOT happening again," Christian yelled. "I repeat, it is NOT. First that demented frog stomper of a duke, and now...HIM?"

Satine rolled her eyes in exasperation. For the love of God! This 'jealousy will drive you mad' thing _really _got old.

"If one of us will end up with her, it will be fair and square," Christian announced gravely, sending a death glare at Anakin. Anakin stared at him with surprised stupidity, tongue hanging out of his mouth. "I challenge you to a Sing To Win Her Heart contest."

****

*Dun dun DUN!* In the next chapter, the contest will take place, with two...interesting judges. *Mwahaha!* 


	5. And Crazier Still!

****

Part Four: ...And Crazier Still!

****

PREVIOUSLY ON ATTACK OF THE CORNY ROMANCE:

__

"If one of us will end up with her, it will be fair and square," Christian announced gravely, sending a death glare at Anakin. Anakin stared at him with surprised stupidity, tongue hanging out of his mouth. "I challenge you to a Sing To Win Her Heart contest."

****

PART FOUR BEGINS:

"A huhsa whatsa?" Anakin asked dumbly.

Christian groaned in irritation, then began to speak incredibly slowly. "_I_ will sing. _You_ will sing. Whoever's song she likes better, she will choose."

"Who?" 

"SATINE!" Christian shouted.

"Ohh," Anakin said. "I get it now!"

As we have all probably established by now, it took him long enough.

"But who will be the judge?" Anakin asked.

"Satine, you idiot!" Padme snapped.

"Not exactly."

A new voice filled the air, and they all turned to see two teenage girls standing behind them. Both wore glasses, but one was shorter than the other, and one had reddish hair while the other had blonde.

"_We_ are the judges," the redhead announced with a grin.

"Duhhhh, they weren't here before," Anakin pointed out wisely.

The blonde girl turned to the redheaded one. "Twixxa, do you think that the Pythagorean Theorum is strategically correct?"

The overwhelming smartness level was just too much for Anakin to take. He passed out cold, and the blonde cackled evilly.

"Whoa," Obi-Wan said in awe. "Why can't I do that?"

"Who are you?" Satine asked.

"I'm Nita," the blonde said, smiling. "And this is Twixxa."

"Twixxa?" George asked. "What kind of name is _Twixxa_?"

He shouldn't have asked, dear reader, because as soon as those words left his lips, the most frightening thing that ever could occur...well, occurred.

Twixxa fixed an intense glare on George, and her normally gray eyes flashed...**OLIVE!!!**

[Insert **DUN DUN DUN!** here]

**DUN DUN DUN!**

[You're so obedient.]

**SHUT UP.**

Everyone gasped in horror, and George shielded his gaze and fell to the ground, sobbing.

"Oh yes," Nita said airily. "I forgot to warn you...**beware** of the Olive Eyes."

Twixxa nodded firmly.

"Now," Nita said sweetly. "_We_ will be in charge of this contest. _We_ will choose the songs you sing, and _we_ will pick the winner."

"You mean...the fate of my love life lies in your hands??" asked Satine cautiously.

Nita nodded slowly, looking quite evil.

"Don't worry," Twixxa whispered. "We're both rabid Moulin Rouge fans."

Satine looked immensely relieved at this.

"Any questions?" Nita asked crisply.

No one responded; instead, they were staring, quite terrified, at Twixxa's eyes.

"All right then!" Twixxa cried merrily. "Then we can begin!"

With a snap of her fingers, a bright neon sign proclaiming the words "Sing To Win Her Heart Contest" appeared before them, along with a judges desk where Nita and Twixxa sat.

"How did you do that?" Christian asked, amazed.

"Are you a sorceress?" Padme questioned in awe.

Twixxa smirked. "Yeah, right. This is _fanfiction_. We-" she pointed at Nita and then at herself, "-are the writers. The fate of this story lies in our hands."

A collective gasp rose from the lips of the poor, unfortunate characters. 

Nita smiled and said, "Let the contest begin!"

"Christian," Twixxa said, "You will be singing..."

Christian squeezed his eyes shut and hoped for a sappy Elton John ballad.

No such luck.

"Hot in Herrrrrrrrrre," she proclaimed, an evil grin forming on her face. "By Nelly."

Christian's face fell as Nita happily started the, er, song.

Everyone cringed, not including Anakin (who we all, I am sure, are missing terribly, but alas he is unconscious), as Nelly's oh-so-wonderful voice filled the air.

"Hot in... So hot in herre... So hot in..."

Immediately, lights began to flash and very scantily dressed back-up singers and dancers appeared. Much to Christian and Satine's dislike one of them began "dancing" in front of him. But, to make up for it, the singers began to kick Anakin off to the side to make room for the microphones. 

Nita, who personally did not want to listen to Christian singing any Nelly song, _accidentally_, bumped the CD player, causing it to fast forward. 

"It's getting hot in herre," Christian sang awkwardly, looking as though he'd definitely prefer a sappy Elton John ballad. "So take off all your clothes?!?!?" The music immediately stopped, and the scantily dressed back-up dancers disappeared. "You can't make me sing this!" he cried. 

"You wanna bet?" Nita asked with a smirk. 

"We ARE writing this story here," Twixxa reminded him.

Christian ducked to avoid her dreaded gaze and gave an exasperated sigh. Dancers appeared once more to enlighten the crowd with even more Nelly.

Joy.

"Why you at the bar if you ain't poppin' the bottles," Christian sang in dead-pan. "What good is all the fame if you ain't... um, fuckin' the models..." He looked at the lyrics and scowled. "Okay, moving on..."

Ignoring the glares from the dancers, Christian skipped ahead a few verses in the song and began to sing again. "It's getting hot in herre, so take off all your clothes..." 

He crinkled up his nose as the singers behind him sang in a high, shrill voice, "It's getting so hot in here, I'm gonna take my clothes off!"

"Stop placin', time wastin', I gotta a friend with a fo' in the basement...?" Christian wiped beads of sweat off his forehead as Nita leaned over and whispered in Twixxa's ear, sending them both into giggles.

"I'm just kiddin' like Jason, unless you gon' do it. Extra, extra, eh, spread the news. Nelly took a trip from the Lunner to Neptune." Right about now, Christian (and the rest of the audience) began to wonder if this song every ended. "Came back with somethin' thicker than fittin' in sasoons. Says she like to think about cuttin' in restrooms."

"It's getting hot in herre –"

"All right, all right!" Nita exclaimed, waving her hands around, causing the dancers and the music to disappear. "That's enough, Christian." She smiled.

"Oh, thank God," Christian cried, rushing back to the audience.

"Huh, what's happened?" Anakin suddenly sat up from where he had been kicked into the corner. "Did the contest start without me?"

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Twixxa said innocently. "We thought you were awake!"

"Christian's just finished his first song, now it's your turn!" Nita added. 

Anakin's mouth dropped open. "Heeey, that's not fair! I didn't get to see him!" He began squeezing his fist in Christian's direction but eventually gave up, as he usually ends up doing. 

"Make him sing again!" he whined at the judges desk. 

"My pleasure!" A sweet smile danced across Christian's face, and he earnestly stepped forward, opened his mouth, and began to sing.

"My gift is my song...and-"

Anakin shoved Christian to the ground, and proceeded in squeezing his fist and, you guessed it, nodding his head.

"-Da Big Darth Vada's comin' atcha!" he proclaimed.

"Not exactly," Nita cut in, beaming. 

"ATCHOOOU!" Anakin continued, ignoring Nita and waving his hands madly at assorted people. "AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU!"

He pointed madly at everyone from Baz to Padme.

But as he came at Twixxa with an obnoxious "AND YOU" dying to spill from his lips, she...HORROR OF HORRORS...flashed the OLIVE EYES!!

Everyone gasped in horror, ducking down and averting their eyes. That is, everyone except Anakin, who, due to his delayed reaction reflexes, was hit full-force with a wave of olive.

"YO!" Da Big DV shouted, enraged. "NOT COOL, YO! NOT COOL!"

"Oh, shut up, you moron," Padme commanded, rolling her eyes. 

He spun to her angrily, pupils slightly diolated (Olive Eyes Attack after-effects, you see). "YO, BIZNITCH, I DON'T WANT NO HO TELLIN' ME HOW TO GET JIGGY WIT IT!"

. . .

[dot dot dot]

"Translation, please?" Padme asked weakly.

Anakin opened his mouth to respond, but Twixxa cut him off.

"Sadly, we don't have time for that," she said, flashing a dazzling classic TV-Gameshow-Host grin. "We've got to get singing! Now, Anakin, do you have any specific sort of song you'd like to sing?"

"HEY!" Christian cried. "That's not fair! You didn't give me a choice! YOU MADE ME SAY THE F-WORD!!!"

Nita smiled sweetly. "Calm down, Christian. I'm sure you'll find that it's only fair."

"Well, yo," Anakin said thoughtfully. "It be like dis, 'kay? I only talk once, so listen, foos."

"He forgot the L," Satine pointed out.

"But doesn't it make him sound _cool_?" Padme responded sarcastically.

Everyone was quiet for a moment before responding, quite flatly, "No."

"Anyway!" Twixxa interrupted. "Since Anakin OBVIOUSLY cannot decide for himself, Nita and I have cleverly chosen for him to sing -" She cleared her throat and smiled maliciously. "Ready for The Good Times by Shakira!"

While everyone else winced, Anakin made his way up to the judge's table, bobbing his head the whole way. He snatched the lyrics out of Twixxa's hand and said, "Dis b no problemo, yo! Da Big DV got it aaaaaaall under control!"

Padme gulped loudly. 

"Ready, Anakin?" Nita asked, her hand positioned over the CD player. 

"No!" he cried. "Da Big DV gotta get in tune wit himself yo! Don'tcha kno anyting?"

"Er.. right, sorry," replied Nita.

Anakin smoothed his hair back and took a deep breath. But before he could open his mouth, Obi-Wan noticed a Storm Trooper peeking through a door in the background.

"STOP!" Obi-Wan screamed, flinging Anakin to the ground. 

"What's the matter?" Nita and Twixxa asked.

"He was going to…" Obi-Wan struggled to get the words out. "To… sing!"

"Well, yes…" Nita nodded. "That's the whole point of the Sing To Win Her Heart Contest!"

"No!" he cried. "He was going to sing that… SONG!"

Twixxa gave him an odd look. "Ready For The Good Times. Yes, we told him to sing that, Obi-Wan." Her heart gave a flutter at the very name.

"NO!" Obi-Wan had HAD IT! "The RAP! You know, Da Big DV comin'" - 

Oh, how wrong Obi-Wan had been to utter those words. 

"u be steelin' me song yo!111" demanded Anakin, clearly outraged.

"Oh, grand," Padme muttered darkly, "Now he's done away with punctuation all together."

"u wanna2 fite?!11" Anakin boomed, waving his hands dramatically in Obi-Wan's face. "u wanna piece a da big dv yo?!///?!//!"

"No," Obi-Wan said, his distaste apparent. "I'll pass."

"yo u ai'nt got dat choyce no moore!!1" anakin sayed 2 hi...Erm. Sorry. Anakin yelled. "u got2 fite me n u r goin down!11"

He began to bounce up and down in a manner that was apparently supposed to be quite formidable, his braid flying out behind him a few times before falling limply to the ground.

Everyone stared.

Anakin screamed as everyone fell to the ground laughing. "MI BRADE YO!!!11 MY BRADE!! HOWW CULD DIS HAPENN 2 MEEEEEEEEEEEE????/?/??? I B DA BIG DV YO! MY BRADE JUSS DUSNT... FALL OFF YO!"

"Well, it just did... yo," Christian intelligently added.

The poor, bradeless (not to be confused with 'braidless') Anakin blinked a few times.

Obi-Wan shook his head in disapproval and muttered to his young apprentice, "I told you that hair extensions were risky."

Padme just happened to overhear.

"Hair extensions?" she repeated incredulously, her tone one of horrified amusement. "Hair extensions?!?! You mean...HAIR extensions? As in...extensions...for your hair?"

Obi-Wan nodded gravely. "I'm afraid so."

"I can't BELIEVE THIS!" Padme exploded. "Not only are you a complete and utter imbecile who can't spell your own name, recite the A-B-C's in proper order, or even TALK with proper punctuation and grammar; you...wear...hair extensions! I mean, can't you at least have real HAIR?"

Anakin nodded thoughtfully.

Yes, that is right. You, my dear reader, are not seeing things. Anakin did, in fact, just nod.

...THOUGHTFULLY.

All right. This is probably very difficult to grasp. Let's recap, shall we?

Anakin nodded thoughtfully.

Yes.

Indeed.

Anakin.

Nodded.

Thoughtfully.

Padme's eyes widened. A strange expression that hadn't donned her face throughout the entire course of this story took over her countenance. She inhaled softly.

"I must apologize for the undoubtedly insufferable situation that I've placed you in, M'Lady," Anakin said in a smooth, charming voice. He stepped forward and kissed Padme's hand. 

"Anakin," she breathed in disbelief, swooning a little. 

"You're..."

A pause.

"Coherent!"

He smiled sheepishly. "Yes, well, I do what I can. Though, my darling," he added softly, "I know my limited use of the English language can by no means match the beauty of each word that spills from your crimson lips. Every sentence is like poetry; your statements, delicate prose that in all ways match your fragile, precious demeanor."

Padme giggled.

Satine sighed enviously. "He's _amazing_."

"Excuse me!" Christian cried indignantly. "_I'm_ the penniless poet here!"

"Oh, come on," Satine said bitterly, "The best thing you can come up with is 'the hills are alive with the sound of music'. I mean..._really_."

"_That_ was incandiferous!" Christian snapped. "Toulouse said so! The Argentinean _loves_ it!" He paused for a moment. "Nothing funny. He just likes talent."

Satine, however, was once again staring longingly at Anakin.

"Ba-aaaz!" whined Christian, turning desperately to the visionary director of Romeo + Juliet. (Because the authors have watched the Moulin Rouge trailer one too many a time.) "You have to help me! She can't leave me for..._him_! What about Come What May?!?"

"Don't worry," Baz said, casting a nervous look at Satine. "We're going. Now."

"Good," Christian said, looking immensely relieved.

And with a snap of his fingers, the all-mighty Mr. Luhrmann disappeared, along with Satine and Christian.

Sensing that the two star-crossed lovers wanted a bit of time alone, Obi-Wan chuckled to himself and disappeared off into the darkness to do...Jedi things. 

"Oh, Anakin," Padme sighed, swooning a bit as the newly-intelligent future Darth Vader placed his hands around her waist. "I love you!"

"And I love you," he replied, staring deeply into her eyes.

"You know, I think I can get used to this new Anakin," Padme said softly into his ear and he grinned, causing many girls around the galaxies to swoon... What the heck do they - 

Well, anywhoo...

The lovers then shared a passionate kiss only fitting to this story, on account of the fact that it is Attack of the Corny Romance, and let us assure you, readers, this was a very corny kiss.

Meanwhile, the Braid of Stupidity had fallen, seemingly harmless, to the ground. Anakin and Padme were so locked in their passionate embrace that they didn't notice when someone came hobbling along.

A very old, very green someone.

wundurfeell tingz yoda feelz he sade attacheing a thin browne brade 2 da bac uf hiz heade.

And then, tragically, the lovers' embrace was cut short.

"COMIN' ATCHA, DA BIG GREEN YODA IS!!!!!"

Sigh. It's such a shame, really. They would have lived happily ever after, had it not been for that pesky little green guy.

But isn't happily ever after overrated, anyhow?

****

THE END

...Or is it?

__

[A moment of consideration.]

Yup, it is.

****

Author's Note: Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! We're so sorry that it took so long to finally finish this up, but we had tons of fun with it indeed. :-) Thank you once again!

~Twixxa and Nita


End file.
